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Aussie Jokes
To suggest a joke, use our comments section in tell a yobbo. We'll send you a free stubby holder if your joke gets used. Mmm, I'll just get back to the barby. burning the crap out of the barby

THE JOKE OF THE WEEK

A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size".

This one comes from Merv of Werribee:

What do women and clouds have in common?

You know when they f*** off you are in for a good day.

This one comes from Captain Yobbo of Brissie:

A bloke goes to the chemist and spots this top sort behind the counter, he gets a pack of condoms and walks to the counter and asks her if she can help him try them on. she replies with a wink, "what's in it for me?"

Darren Lockyer, the Pope, John Howard & a school boy were all on the same plane when the engine failed and started to plummet towards the Earth. They all realised that there was 4 of them & only 3 parachutes. Darren Lockyer got up & said I am a sporting superstar & must live so that I can please my fans & continue my career to beat the Kiwi's & the Poms in the tri- nations series. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. Then John Howard got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever have and I need to live to continue to govern the nation. Then the Pope said to the school boy & said I am old & have lived my life so you should take the last parachute. The school boy replied, no it's ok, the worlds smartest Prime Minister took my school bag so theres one for each of us!

This weeks joke comes from Dale Cuffe of Brisvegas

What do kiwi's and sperm have in common?

They come by the millions and only a couple work.

A couple were celebrating their 9th wedding anniversary one night, & decided to continue in the bedroom. But before they started, the wife said, honey what did you think when you first saw me naked? The man replied I wanted to f#?k your brains out & suck your tits dry.The wife then said what do you think now when you see me naked? He replied, it looks like I did a pretty good Job!!

A man was running late for  the office one day, so he was exceeding the speed limit along the freeway. The next thing he knows his wife rings up & says that I've just seen on the TV that there's a maniac going down the wrong side of the freeway. The man replies, It's not just one, it's all of them.

This one comes From Nick Of Carrum

A bloke has a car crash into the back of a dwarfs car. There seems to be lots of damage. The dwarf gets out and seeing the damage says, "I'm not happy". The bloke says back to him, "well which one are ya then?"

Jeffrey Bredden again wins this weeks stubbie holder.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."


A kiwi was attenting a test cricket match In australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little crook so he went to see and Aussie Dr. The Dr. said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles. The kiwi said ay, no mate na get stuffed. So he went for a second opinion from another Australian dr. He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi. So he went to the test match and decided to go get a third opion from a kiwi dr. He said, Na no good mate, we gonna have ta chop ya balls off. The kiwi then said, thank God for that, them Aussie dr. wanted to remove my test tickets!

Hungry Jacks have brought out a new Ben Cousins Happy meal - you get free ice and coke !
(In March 2007 Aussie rules footballer whose team is sponsored by hamburger chain, is suspended beacause of drug use)

A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !

  • A snail goes into a Rolls Royce dealer and says to the salesman; "I want the most expensive Rolls you have" "Certainly" replies the salesman, "this car here is the top of the range model." "It's perfect" says the snail, "but I want it customised." " We offer a full range of upgrades, anything at all, what would you like?" asks the salesman. "I simply want an 'S' painted on this side, one on the other side, and another on the roof." "But sir, whatever for? It'll totally ruin the car." "Well" replies the snail, "when I drive down the street, I want people to say 'look at that s-car go'."

  • A guy goes to a lawyer, arguing his scratchie ticket had a mistake on it and that they wouldn't honour his $20 prize and that he is prepared to take them to court. With this the lawyer pulled out 20 bucks and said "case solved, thankyou, and tell your friends about me".

    BETTER THAN SAYING I LOVE YOU...

    Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
    forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
    he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
    on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
    in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
    around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
    order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
    He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
    "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
    shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
    sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
    newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
    asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
    "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
    delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway,
    and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
    the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
    everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
    the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
    Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
    take your pants off to change and clean you, you said,
    "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"


  • Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and piss down me leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His mate looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw me shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!

  • Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
    "Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs.Wong name the baby?"
    The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we name him Sum Ting Wong.

  • ...After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

    370HSSV-0773H.

    Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA, and the Secret Service.

    Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

    They cabled the White House:

    "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."

  • This joke cames from Stef of NSW. Never met er, but I'm sure she's a spunk !

    A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked. "Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl.
    Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me." The girl, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and.......he's screwing me."
    The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked
    his face and he replied; "He sure is darlin', this is the Manly Ferry!

  • And another

    A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

    About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
  • And another

    Why do girls have legs?

    Have you seen the mess snails make?
  • And another

    An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

    They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

    The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

    The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

    Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

    Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

    Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

    Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

    The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"
  • A Moe girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the assessor. "10" replies the Moe girl "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Moe girl. "Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the Moe girl... "I just use their surnames"

    What does sperm and a Collingwood supporter have in common?

    1 in 3 million chance of becoming human.

    A Jackeroo rides into town after months of rustling. He ties the horse out the front of the pub, dusts off his pants, and then walks around to the back of the horse and runs his lips along the crack of the horses ass. He heads into the bar, and asks the barmen for a glass of beer. The barmen says, "Listen mate, can I just ask why you ran your lips along the crack of your horses ass ?".He replies, "I've got chapped lips".The barmen replies, "does that cure them ?". The jackeroo replies, "no but it sure stops me licken 'em".
  • VOTED AUSTRALIA'S WORST WEBSITE : least visited sites magazine.

    We spend all income on beer, rendering this an insecure site - most unlike an Australian politician's superannuation.

    watch out or I'll drop ya !